290 Word Jokes That Are So Punny!

You thought no one was going to tell any vegetable jokes…

But then I turnip!

What did one turnip say to the other before his big exam?

“We’re all rooting for you!”

What do you call a highwayman who only steals root vegetables?

Dick Turnip!

What’s the best way to deal with turnip cravings?

A vegetable patch!

I asked the waitress what was in the club salad…

She said, “Lettuce, turnip, the beet!”

Why do root vegetables have a reputation for being snobbish?

They always turnip their noses!

I just planted some root vegetables in my garden…

We’ll see what turnips!

What’s a farmer’s favourite kind of jeans?

Ones with turnips!

Why couldn’t the baby turnip go to the party?

Because he was still grounded!

How did the vegan rock band open up their show?

“Lettuce turnip the beet!”

What nationality are turnips?

Swede-ish!

I just saw a man in the local bookshop exchanging a root vegetable for the complete works of Dickens…

Now that’s what I call a turnip for the books!

Where do turnips go to unwind after work?

The Salad Bar!

How do farmers party?

They turnip the volume!

“Doctor doctor, I have a turnip stuck up my nose! What do I do?”

“Well, I suggest eating more sensibly!”

My sister thinks that onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry…

Clearly she’s never been hit in the face by a turnip before!

What’s the difference between turnips and bogeys?

Children will actually eat their bogeys!

What kind of socks do you need to plant turnips?

Garden hose!

Why are root vegetables such good DJs?

They really know how to turnip the beet!

I can’t find my vegetables…

I hope they turnip soon!

I love almond milk

It's unlike any udder milk!

What do you call a female Almond?

Michelle!

Why didn't the almond go to the ballet?

It was scared of the Nutcracker!

Can you keep a secret about an almond?

I walnut tell a soul!

Why was the almond mad at his friends?

They roasted him!

What do you call an almond at the beach?

Sea-salted!

Why was the almond bad at hide and seek?

It kept pecan!

What did the motivational almond say?

'Do nut give up!'

What do almonds eat at barbeques?

A-corn on the cob!

What do you call an almond in space?

An astro-nut!

What did the almond say to the Brazil nut?

'Cashew later!'

How does an almond get online?

It uses the inter-nut!

What do you call an almond who loves board games?

A chess-nut!

What do you call a Spanish almond?

Almundo!

What do you call a chilled out almond?

C-almond collected!

What do almonds use for money?

Cash-ews!

What happens if you make an almond nervous?

It cracks!

What happens if you're rude to an almond?

It will feel unsalted!

Are you ready for this almond flavoured joke?

Amaretti? You bet!

I find it very hard to get dates...

Almonds though, that's easy!

If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lemon and lime

But that's just my two scents!

What do you call a haunted lime peel?

Po-zest!

Why was the lime fired from the juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate!

I tried making a lime flavour cream pie but it curdled

It was quite off pudding!

Historians found a citrus sauce invented by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

It’s called the 'Lime of the Ancient Marinade'!

Did you hear about the citrus embezzling scandal?

They were liming their pockets!

I predict a surge in the popularity of small citrus fruit later in the year

Kumquat May!

What’s a lime’s favourite motto?

Squeeze the day!

Why does the lime train every day?

It wants to be the zest!

Why did the lime go out with a Prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date!

What kind of jokes do limes like?

One-limers!

Who did the lemon rob the bank with?

His partner in lime!

Lime pie in Barbados costs $3.14. Pecan pie in Jamaica costs $1.59

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean!

I made a miniature lemon-lime pie...

It was a little tart!

What do you call a lime that opens doors?

A Key Lime!

What do raspberries like to read before bed?

Berry tales!

Why are raspberries such good friends with strawberries?

They jam together!

What was the raspberry’s favourite book?

The Great Gatsberry!

How do raspberries deal with treasure chests?

They berry them!

Why was the raspberry late?

It got stuck in a jam!

What did one raspberry say to the other in the middle of winter?

“Have a berry merry Christmas!”

Why are raspberry farmers so bad at being criminals?

They always get caught red-handed!

What did the raspberry say when his favourite song came on?

“Ooh, this is my jam!”

What was Prince’s favourite dessert?

Raspberry Sorbet!

What did one raspberry say to the other?

“If you weren’t so sweet, we wouldn’t be in this jam!”

“Doctor, there’s a raspberry growing out of my nose!”

“Oh, that’s easy to deal with. Just put some cream on it!”

What do you call a raspberry that uses swear words?

Berry rude!

What did the robot have for dinner?

Computer chips with raspberry pi for dessert!

What do you call a Russian berry with a long beard?

Rasp-putin!

Why were the little raspberries upset?

Because their parents were in a jam!

What do you call a sad raspberry?

A blue raspberry!

What makes a bathroom fit for a Prince?

A raspberry bidet!

How many grams of protein are in a raspberry pi?

3.14159265…

What do you call raspberries making music?

A jam session!

Why are raspberries so bad at using computers?

The printer always jams!

Why did the pomegranate quit his job at the juice factory?

He just couldn’t concentrate!

Why are pomegranates so inspirational?

They’ll keep trying until they suc-seed!

What do you call an elderly pomegranate?

Pome-grandad!

What did the pomegranate say to the banana?

“You’re very apeeling!”

Why didn’t the pomegranate take the shortcut through the alleyway?

It looked a bit seedy!

What do you call a pomegranate with a sense of humour?

A pun-egranate!

Why should you always try and rescue a pomegranate in danger?

It can be your good seed for the day!

What do you call a fruit-based weapon?

A bomb-egranate!

What did the pomegranate say in church?

“Please be seeded!”

What is a stonemason’s favourite fruit?

Pome-granite!

I just tried pomegranate for the first time…

I have to say, it ex-seeded my expectations!

How did the pomegranate feel after a good night’s sleep?

Pome-GREAT!

What is a pomegranate’s favourite Beatles song?

“All You Seed Is Love!”

What is a pomegranate’s favourite Monty Python song?

“Always Look On The Bright Seed Of Life!”

Why did the pomegranate become juice?

He was pressured into it!

Why did the pomegranate and the melon get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe!

What do you call a lying pomegranate?

De-seedful!

What did one fruit say to another in an argument?

“Don’t take me for pomegranate!”

What is a cheerleader’s favourite fruit?

Pompom-egranate!

Why is pomegranate a stone fruit?

The clue is in the name – pome-granite!

What make-up should you wear to the Pink Pony Club?

Neighbelline!

What is a chicken’s favourite Chappell Roan song?

“Good Cluck, Babe!”

What did Chappell Roan call her cupcake company?

Baked in Manhattan!

What is Chappell Roan’s favourite sporting event?

The Red Wine Superbowl-a!

What is Chappell Roan’s Wi-Fi password?

Hot-Spot To Go!

Why couldn’t Chappell Roan perform Pink Pony Club?

She was a little hoarse!

What is Chappell Roan’s favourite time of day?

“After Midnight!”

How does Chappell Roan like to dress when she’s not working?

“Casual!”

Why does everyone want to work at the Pink Pony Club?

It’s stable employment!

What do you call a pop star who’s also a robot?

Chappie Roan!

What brand of home alarm does Chappel Roan use?

Pink Pony Chubb!

What was the zombie’s favourite Chappell Roan song?

“ROT TO GO!”

What do you call a glittery pink ghost?

Chappell Moan!

What do you call a glittery pink desert mammal?

Camel Roan!

What does Chappel Roan do every morning?

Keep on dancing with her Pink Pony mug!

What does Chappell Roan do when you tell a terrible joke?

Chappell Groan!

What did Chappell Roan call her travel blog?

Chappell Roam!

What is Chappel Roan’s favourite hot drink?

"Coffee!"

How does Chappell Roan like her coffee?

“HOT TO GO!”

How does Chappell Roan hate her coffee?

"Bitter!"

Why didn't the bear need braces?

He was a gummy bear!

How do you fix braces?

with tooth paste!

There's been a mix up with my braces...

So I'm going to the orthodontist to get it straightened out!

Why did the deer need braces?

He had buck teeth!

I'm my own orthodontist but I don't enjoy it...

I brace myself every time!

Where do whales go to get their braces?

The orca-dontist!

How do braces get to the orthodontist?

On the tooth ferry!

What sort of animal wears braces?

A molar bear!

What network do invisible braces use?

Wireless!

What did the orthodontist get for his work?

A little plaque!

What music do braces listen to?

Heavy metal!

What do you call two teeth hugging?

An in-brace!

Who is a orthodontist's favourite actor?

Brace Dallas Howard!

How do you hear about orthodontists?

Word of mouth!

Why did the snowman get braces?

He had frostbite!

What do you call a dinosaur with braces?

A floss-iraptor!

What's an orthodontist's favourite clothes shop?

Gap!

What did the orthodontist do on the rollercoaster?

She braced herself!

What sort of jewellery do teeth wear?

Brace-lets!

Why are vending machines like braces?

Food is always getting stuck in them!

What do ghosts eat when they get sweaty?

Ice scream!

What do you say to a sweaty snowman?

Chill out!

Why do bees sweat?

They get too swarm!

What's sweaty and peels easily?

A sunburnt banana!

What's black and white and sweats all over?

A zebra on holiday!

What's the sweatiest day of the week?

Sun-day!

Why doesn't Rapunzel sweat?

She uses a h-air conditioner!

What do you call a sweaty poodle?

A hot dog!

How do you make a sheep sweat?

Invite it to a baaaa-bq!

What do you get if you put a Scottish rock band in the sun?

Sweat Sweat Sweat!

What do vampires do when they're too sweaty?

Take a blood bath!

What keeps you warm in winter and is full of sugar?

A sweeter!

What's got two arms and is made out of cereal?

A s-wheat-er!

What did the influencer say when they started sweating?

'That's drip'

Why does Taylor Swift never sweat?

She's got too many fans!

Sweating isn't big or clever

And it's definitely not cool!

What clothes do mermaids wear?

S-wet-ers!

How do you make a mummy sweat?

Tell him you've run out of loo roll!

How do you make a vampire sweat?

Cook him a steak!

What's the hottest item of clothing?

A sweat-er!

What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for an insect?

One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro!

“Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup!”

“Well, what do you expect for that price? The whole wig?”

Which insect has the best hair?

An ear-wig!

I make wigs for a living…

It’s not much, but it helps toupee the bills!

What do you call a bunch of rabbits in wigs, hopping backwards?

A receding hareline!

Did you hear about the wig heist that took place in broad daylight?

It was a bald move!

Why did the philosopher wear a bad 80s wig?

He had a thought, and he had to mullet over!

Why should you never buy a Spanish wig?

There will be El Toupee!

What do you call proof that you bought a wig?

A receipting hairline!

I just stole a wig from the devil…

If I get caught, there’s going to be hell toupee!

What did one wig say to the other before going on holiday?

“Which hairline are you flying with?”

Why did the bird wear a wig?

It was a bald eagle!

Why were four members of One Direction in the wig shop?

They were looking for hairy styles!

What did the wig say to the head?

“I got you covered!”

Did you hear that someone robbed the local wig shop?

The police are combing the area!

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally stole a wig?

He walked out of the shop and forgot toupee!

I was in the attic and I found my grandma’s antique wig-making machine…

It’s an old family hair loom!

Why should you consider buying a wig?

It’s a look anyone can pull off!

What happened when the wig shop got robbed?

They had to change all the locks!

I bought a wig for £1 today…

It was a small price toupee!

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...

I guess I should have put it on aloha setting!

What does an alligator use to cook dinner?

A croc pot!

What’s the most relaxing type of pasta dinner?

Spa-ghetti!

How do you truly enjoy a hot dog?

With relish!

Which condiment has a real kick?

Horse-radish!

Did you hear the joke about macaroni?

It's too cheesy!

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get some ribs!

What do you call a fake spaghetti dinner?

An impasta!

What’s a robot’s favourite dinner?

Micro chips!

What did the cow have for dinner?

Moo-saka!

What did the bread say to the butter?

You're on a roll!

Why couldn't the dinner go to the party?

It had too much on its plate!

What do you call a noodle who buys roses?

Ramen-tic!

Why did the tortilla chip go to the Mexican restaurant?

It was nacho average diner!

Why did the tomato blush?

It saw the salad dressing!

What do you get when you cross a fish and a potato?

Fish AND chips!

What did the pizza say to the oven?

"Is it me or is it getting hot in here?"

What did salad say before dinner?

Lettuce pray!

What do you say to steak that got a good school report?

Well done!

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner's on me!

Did you hear about the scaffolding collapse at the rock festival?

There was a lot of heavy metal!

Man walks into a bar

Knew I shouldn’t have left all that scaffolding in the street!

I know a great joke about scaffolding

I just need to set it up first!

Drilling holes is boring

But putting up scaffolding is riveting!

I quit my job as a scaffolder. It was just too hard

I handed in my too weak notice!

A frog applies for a job as a scaffolder. In the interview the boss asks “what can you do?”

The frog says “rivet!”

My dad's a scaffolder

He takes things to another level!

What's the difference between a scaffold and a magnet?

A magnet only has two poles!

When given a choice between scaffolding and a ladder

I always choose the latter!

Climbing on scaffolding...

...wrong on so many levels!

A little moron and a big moron were on some scaffolding when it collapsed. Only one fell off - which one?

The big moron. The other one was a little more on!

I had to take down some scaffold that was in the way at work

It held me up long enough!

I was offered a scaffolding job in Egypt this morning

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme!

A scaffolder was released after being accused of stealing building materials

There was no concrete evidence!

How can you tell a scaffolder from a chemist?

You ask her to pronounce “Unionized“!

What's a scaffolder’s favourite country?

Ucrane!

How does a scaffolder tell jokes?

He reposts it!

I asked my boss if we would ever hire felons to build scaffolding

He said no, they won't let a conduit!

I went out in a thunderstorm carrying some scaffolding poles

What happened next shocked me!

I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my radio

Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types!

Why are the Gallagher brothers like German sausages?

They can both be brats!

Some people believe Oasis fans shop at Asda...

Some might Say-nsbury's!

I went to an Oasis show with my sibling. I shouted 'Go Oasis!'

And she went home!

What did Noel Gallagher say when he had a cold?

"I dode delieve that anydody feels the way I do..."

What do you call a happy Gallagher brother at Christmas?

Joyeux Noel!

How did Oasis see over the Great Wall of China?

By standing on the shoulders of giants!

What's a sheep's favourite Oasis lyric?

"Ewe and I are gonna live forever!"

What do you call a Britpop band sitting in a newsagent's fridge?

Oasis!

What did Liam Gallagher say when he plugged in a block of Cheddar?

Cheese electric!

Where do Oasis like to go on holiday?

Half a world away!

What did Noel say when he saw two identical supermarkets in the same street?

Lidl by Lidl!

How does Noel make a smoothie?

With a Shakermaker!

What did Noel say to Elon Musk?

D'Yer Wanna Be a Spaceman?

Is Noel better than Liam?

Some might say!

What do Oasis do on a dark stage?

Cast no shadow!

What's a Britpop band's favourite drink?

Oasis!

What's a wardrobe's favourite Oasis song?

Don't Look Back in Hanger!

In the 90s, I was in the desert and I thought I could see an Oasis...

But it was just a Blur!

My mum asked me if I'd stop singing Oasis songs all the time...

I said, 'Maaaaaybeeee!'

Did you hear about the Oasis soup?

You gotta roll with it! 

What kind of treat should you give a ghost?

Ice scream!

What's a vampire's favourite fruit?

A neck-tarine!

Which room do ghosts not need?

A living room!

What do scarecrows hand out at Halloween?

Straw-berries!

Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

You can see right through them!

Where do you go if you're trick or treating a zombie?

The dead end of the street!

What happened when the twin witches went trick or treating?

No one could tell which witch is which!

Why did the monster give out Joe Wicks to trick or treaters?

He thought they'd like a healthy snack!

Why did the monster give out lightbulbs at Halloween?

He thought they'd make a light snack!

What do birds say at Halloween?

Trick or tweet!

What goes around and around a haunted house?

A fence!

What did one owl say to the other?

Happy owl-o-ween!

Where do ghosts buy their Halloween treats?

At the ghost-ery store!

Who did Frankenstein's monster go trick or treating with?

His ghoul-friend!

What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spookghetti!

Who gives out cornflakes at Halloween?

Cereal killers!

What sort of candy do you give a trick or treating ghost?

Boo-berry flavour!

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

It had no guts!

What should you give a trick or treating vampire?

Steak!

Why didn't the skeleton go trick or treating?

He had no body to go with!

Why did the rock climber quit?

She couldn't get a grip!

Why did the rock climber give up on climbing Everest?

It was just summit he couldn't do!

How do rock climbers forget about bad climbs?

They get over them!

What do you say to a mountain climber who's panicking?

Get a grip!

Why was the rock climber so grumpy?

She was feeling craggy!

Why did the boulder blush?

It peaked at the mountain!

What is Miley Cyrus's favourite thing about hiking?

The Climb!

Why was the climber upset?

He was between a rock and a hard place!

What's a rock climber's favourite game?

Hide and peak!

Why are snakes so good at rock climbing?

They can scale anything!

What music do hikers like most?

Rock music!

What do rock climber drink to stay hydrated?

Mountain dew!

Why shouldn't you date a rock climber?

It will be a rocky relationship!

Why shouldn't you date a rock climber?

They have too many hang-ups!

What do you call a man hanging off a rock face?

Cliff!

Why are rock climbers so great?

They always deliver a peak performance!

Why was the rock climber upset about the mountain?

Don't know, but he couldn't get over it!

What's a rock climber's favourite fruit?

Crag-apple!

Have you heard the climbing joke?

Never mind, it would probably go over your head!

Where do rock climbers buy their equipment?

At the Grapple Store!

It was nice when I let my fingernails grow a little

But now it's getting out of hand!

Who turns the lights off at Halloween? 

The light's witch!

What do you call a felonious toenail?

A hardened cuticle!

Why did the witch's cat scratch her? 

Because they were in a bad mewd!

I found some old newspaper with clippings

Toenails, I think!

I find it hard to stop biting my nails

Because I always have them on hand!

My friend is a beautician who wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds hard, but I know she's going to nail Polish!

None of the nail art tutorials on Youtube are good

All the thumbnails look trashy!

I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes

Because I am lack-toes-intolerant!

Want a surefire trick to break your nail-biting habit?

Take up plumbing!

I’ve been trying to think of a cuticle joke

And I just nailed it!

Why was the witch’s broom late? 

It over swept!

Why did the guy have to have his toe checked out?

Because it had a nail in it!

What do you call a rock band that hates nail clippers?

Nine-Inch Nails!

What do people with a missing finger get at the nail salon?

10% off!

My toenails turned green, shrank, and started smelling like mint

I have a rare condition called Tic Tac Toes!

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees!

Why is it good to eat witch's soup? 

It's very newt-tricious!

How does Neil deGrasse Tyson trim his toenails?

Eclipse them!

At first I didn't really care for this toenail fungus…

…but it's really starting to grow on me!

Who was the most famous witch detective? 

Warlock Holmes!

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?

Mitosis!

What's the hardest part about making a manicure joke?

You really have to nail it!

I got some great new nail clippers for Christmas

They’re cutting edge!

Where do witches bake their cakes?

In the coven!